During my absence I have lost my oldest child, hit almost 400 pounds on the scale and discovered that many of the people in my life that I held in high regard, had lied to me for years. Everyday I find myself experiencing sadness, guilt and confusion. I am constantly evaluating what is my purpose on this planet. I do not know who I am anymore. I am completely lost. It is so scary finding myself in the center of the road with a map that was accurate yesterday, but today all the roads have disappeared. It is now just a blank piece of paper and nothing about my surroundings look familiar.
I try to remind myself of the things that are still in my life, like my daughter and youngest son. I am grateful to see them navigate through life and experience new things. I try to move away from the guilt of not inspiring them more and being a better mother but it so hard. Sometimes I think that I have done a decent job but then the confidence is gone. Logically I know I made every effort to do the best that I could. I know that I had very little guidance and had to navigate blindly but I still see defeat.
I examine my marriage of over twenty six years and its a mess to put it mildly. I believe my husband flops from loving me to hating me on a weekly basis. I am sure he doesn’t see any value in me as a person and lives in the moments of tolerance. He would prefer a life of going to work, having his dinner, uninterrupted television and a wife that appears in the background of these things occasionally. I am so desperate for the true admiration and desire that disappeared years ago. I miss having someone who loved caring for me, living to make me smile and lusting for me. I am left with a shell of a man who doesn’t care if he is there for me, respected by me or even loved by me.
My ego is so bruised because I thought I planned this life better. I thought I did all the right things to produce the results of success but I didn’t. I am turning out to be nothing special at all. I am just like everyone else who put in a lot less effort. I thought I could win at the game of life but the truth is no one really does. People are constantly lying to you, not keeping up with their agreements and then the realization that you are not who you thought you could be.
Now its time for me to change things. This is what inspired me to blog today. I am ready to build a new roadmap. I want to design it based on the needs of me. I don’t want to add streets and destinations based on the wants of others. My children are adults. I can stop trying to inject my wishes, guilt and insecurities on them. It’s time to be a spectator instead of a participant. I am going to have to find a way to forgive myself for the shortcomings in my parenting, accept it and move on. I need to learn to answer questions without assuming the responsibility of the problem. It has to become okay to let them solve their own problems. I am determine to do this with love for them and especially for me.
I am determined to keep the memory of my oldest alive without sadness. I want to smile and dance in joy of the wonderful gift that changed my destiny. I know it wont be easy but I will not stop quitting. My “Dollface” is felt so much in my life and i will not let sadness make me unable to enjoy the experience. I will never stop missing or wishing I could share just one more thing but I can’t. I have to find a way to come to peace with it.
To be honest, my marriage is the one area I am not going to tackle. I don’t know how to work for it without taking my needs out of the equation. I don’t know where it is heading and I am find with that. I want to fall in love with myself. I want to smile at me, admire me, date me, dance with me, comfort me and make sure I am madly in love with me. I want to come back to my blog to document this journey. I want to share the diary of how I recover. I want to actively put words and actions together to make Lawanda my true love.
I hope you will follow my journey, share yours and help me stay accountable to ME!